I write theatre sometimes

I wrote this in 2012 for a dramatic writing class at the University of Sussex. I wanted to turn it into a play but…didn’t have the confidence back then. If you like it (or have constructive criticism to impart upon me), let me know. If you hate it and have nothing nice/kind to say, please fuck off :0)


In the local Yo Sushi restaurant. Early evening. AGATHA and IMOGEN, both in their late 20s, are seated at a candlelit table.

AGATHA looks exhausted. IMOGEN is unenthusiastic about being there but manages to maintain her noticeably happy disposition.

AGATHA. (Using the table to support herself) Ugh…I had such a long day today, Immy. (Whilst squirming) I don’t think even these straight back, ugh, fucking uncomfortable chairs will be able to hold me up. (Looks around) Where is he?

IMOGEN. (A bit agitated) Agatha, I need to start thinking about heading home. John has a bit of a —

AGATHA. (Not paying any attention) I still can’t believe he insisted we meet here. What kind of credible dining establishment serves food on a conveyer belt? I feel like I’m in an episode of I Love Lucy…(Thought) minus the attractive Hispanic boyfriend and the laugh track (Looks down in shame at the table and notices a pair of chopsticks)

IMOGEN. I know you’re having a tough time in the men-department,/ but I don’t need to be dragged—

AGATHA. Where in hell is the fucking silverware! (Realisation) Why am I even doing this to myself? (IMOGEN rolls her eyes.) Oh, don’t even start, Im. You’re happily married. Husband, daughter, loft in Soho, well-organized CD collection…. What more could you fucking want? You don’t have to give me shit about my dating techniques. Help me out. (IMOGEN gives a knowing stare that may come off patronising. Pause; slightly uncomfortable. The silence lasts long enough that AGATHA begins to dose off; eyes closing and then the head drops. AGATHA then realizes what’s going on) Fuck. I just can’t go through with this Im. (A moment) What kind of guy picks Yo! Sushi for a first—no, not only a first. /A fucking blind date!

IMOGEN. (Motherly) Agath—

AGATHA. Yes, I know Imogen. I have to stop saying the “F-word.

IMOGEN. I don’t care what you/ say. Let’s go for coff—

AGATHA. (Not even listening) You know what, you prude? From now on I’ll say..um…Peanut instead of cuss words. (Giggles softly to herself) Yea, yea peanut. Peanut equals (Excited at first. Decides to back off)…eh…(dry) peanut. Why didn’t I move in with that f-peanuting peanuter? He was attractive, good in bed, blue eyes. He fit my…bill. Perfectly. (Pause) Whatever. He had a horrible sense of humour. Racist, sexist. (A Beat) An all-in-all heartless peanut. If I said I loved…(Trails off. Intentionally a bit ambiguous in what she means), I wouldn’t be in this peanuting situation: tired, hungry and my only prayer at satiation presenting itself in the form of a cylinder-shaped, uncooked-sardine or whatever. Where the peanut—I mean fuck, is he? (IMOGEN does not really care) Thanks for staying with me Imo—

IMOGEN. (Fed up) Give me a bre—

AGATHA. (Indignantly) No! I mean it this time. You’re like my uh, blind-date wingman or something. I know I give you “sass” but…I’m just so…so—oh God. (Sees JAMES fixing himself) Mr. Yo-Sushi is coming this way. Just—uh—just pretend you bumped into me and being the old friend you are…(thinks) just, uh decided to sit down for a bit! (muttering To herself) Oh shit oh shit oh shit ok ok you can do this you can you can do this. (AGATHA fixes herself. IMOGEN hesitates to get up. JAMESs makes a B-line towards her and she instinctively rises to shake his hand)

JAMES. (Nervously over-enthusiastic; Addresses IMOGEN) Agatha! It’s so nice to finally meet you. You look lovely! (AGATHA just sits there. Dumbfounded, IMOGEN, confused, conveys a heightened emotion similar to that of a first date).

AGATHA. Uh, Hi?

JAMES. (Acknowledges AGATHA; Still to IMOGEN) You know, the girls I usually attract from match.com are usually, well, rather-uh-morose. (Thought; Plays with flower in his lapel) You know, I don’t think Yo Sushi is the most appropriate place for a first date. (Gives IMOGEN the flower) Would you mind switching gears and heading over to somewhere a little fancier?

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