“Maybe she’s not such a heinous bitch after all!” – (Another) ode to Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Hehe I’m not going to break down why I love this song from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend so much, exactly. Instead, I just want to talk about why I love the show so much.

Quite a bit more than other shows at the moment. Mostly because I see so much of myself in Rebecca Bunch (as well as the other characters), but mostly Rebecca Bunch.

Friday’s episode was paradoxically both enticing and difficult to watch. Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s writing/acting hadn’t offended me yet so I had no reason to believe their episode on Suicide would be offensive, but…I knew it could be triggering/upsetting. At the same time, I’m a big believer in the power of catharsis so I knew even if I ended up crying/feeling a bit weird from watching the episode, I’d probably end up feeling a little bit less alone and gone even farther into the journey of processing my past trauma/experiences.

I’ve spoken about my depression on this blog and whilst I haven’t been clinically depressed (2+ weeks of consistent depression) in a little while, I still have patches of hours (or even an entire day) when I’m definitely depressed. For me, depression feels like a loss of self. A horrible feeling of emptiness when the things I normally enjoy can’t fill that void. I’ve now learned that in order to not let it turn into a clinical episode(for me, brought on by extreme stress, which sometimes can’t be helped), I need to sloooooow down and get out of triggering situations.

Since my first depressive episode back in January, 2014, I’ve had around 4 or 5 serious depressive episodes. They are scary as fuck, because each time I was in it, It would feel like I could never get out of it. Like a never ending blackhole or quicksand. The most frustrating thing was they’d get darker and scarier each time.

A lot of factors contributed to my clinical depression, but the straw that broke the camel’s back was an inappropriate incident with a fellow doctoral student in December, 2013 that I did not invite. The worst part was, when I told my friend-group about it,  they said they didn’t want to get involved, because he was our friend. I felt so alone. So isolated, sad and guilty (why?! dunno.) that I retreated into myself. I eventually stopped riding my bike to uni, because I’d had thoughts of cycling into traffic. It wasn’t until I acknowledged I wasn’t doing well and needed help that I started to crawl out of my first episode.

But, they kept happening. PhDs are stressful and life, in general, can be stressful. When I was depressed, my suicidal thoughts escalated. Like Rebecca Bunch, I’d researched non-painful ways to die and thought through the logistics. I’d never made a serious attempt, but the self-harm felt like a “good” alternative.

In my heart of hearts, I didn’t want to die. I knew I was being ridiculous, but depression is like an abusive partner. He wants you to drown.

Rebecca Bunch’s experience felt so realistic and relatable. I’m so so so so happy this show exists and is doing well. The show and other recent events have given me the strength to share a bit more about my own experience. I share with the hopes of maybe inducing catharsis in someone else. Or maybe even encouraging others to share their stories :0)

All my love,

Molly

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