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If someone wants you to fail? fuck ’em (please, not literally)

Dudes,

I’ve been binging on Judd Apatow’s “Love” and towards the end of an episode entitled “Liberty Down,” I started tearing up and needing to immediately jump in the shower, because, yep, that’s my relationship and whilst it’s scary, I love every minute of it.

Being completely honest with someone is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, because to be honest, I don’t trust the majority of people I meet. I was technically born in Manhattan, so, I  guess its not THAT surprising, but…I regularly think about WHY I do the random shit I do:

Well, I think freakishly recent history shows us that…most people don’t give a fuck if we live happily or die miserably, especially, if we have nothing to offer them. And by “nothing” I mean “no money.”

Despite growing up in an upper middle-class town, for a variety of reasons, my family didn’t seem to have much of it. I didn’t really know any differently so I didn’t mind. ESPECIALLY, because I had musical theatre in my life, which, in my eyes, is priceless :0) (thanks, Sondheim). I know that tickets are expensive, but I’ve experienced most of the shows I know via their Original Cast Recording and well, those are basically free at this point.

Ok, back to money:

One of my favorite podcasts, Around the Table, has at least two amazing episodes about money (one is their most recent episode and the other is an amazing conversation between Jaycee and her husband, which I love oh so much). Basically, money is the fucking worst. I wish everyday was the Sabbath so I don’t have to deal with it ever.

That being said, this isn’t La La Land. A girls gotsta eat them chocolate chip cookies, yo (man, I wish there were Girl Scout Cookies in the UK).

But, like, it’s boring as fuck.

Luckily, there are awesome budgeting apps out there and, if you’re super duper nerdy like me, you may even get a kick out of a beautifully organised excel spreadsheet with you and your partner’s shared spending.

Ok! Back to writing my thesis :0) Byeeeeeee

 

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Be PROUD of surviving abuse – A note for “A Day ‘Without’ Women”

Yo,

Being victimized is hard and very fucked up. Think about the people that died or survived the holocaust.

Imagine surviving the holocaust and then needing to get on with your life like nothing happened, because no one gives you a handout (ESPECIALLY in the USA and other developing countries) unless you’re from privilege . Privilege is a very complicated turn-of-phrase, because it’s not only related to upbringing. It’s probably more dependent on birth.

Were you born male? Female? Or somewhere in between?

Were you born light-skinned? Dark-skinned? Or somewhere in between?

Were your parents rich? Poor? Or somewhere in between.

Were you born straight? gay? Or somewhere in between.

The weirdest thing about all of this is that even if you’re male, light-skinned, rich and straight, you could STILL be a victim of abuse.

By that logic, it’s possible that anyone could be victimized. So if YOU’VE been victimized, why be ashamed?

Why not be PROUD?

I’d rather be proud of who I am than scared.

 

 

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Normalizing stress is not OK

I’ve spent a lot of my PhD making excuses for treating myself like shit.

If I was depressed, I’d punish myself by not leaving my office for the entire working day, knowing deep down I wouldn’t be able to get anything done. There would be weeks where I’d go on campus and spend the entire day staring at my empty screen with an empty mind. Then I’d drink 4 cups of coffee to try to jolt myself out of the depression. Finally, I’d have an anxiety attack (I wonder why…?) and start crying. Then, after a couple of weeks of this, I’d hurt myself with a sharp object on my forearm.

It’s comics like this that made me feel like I was doing my PhD the “right” way:

phd021317s

Just because “most” (or at least that’s what this comic wants you to believe) doctoral candidates work this way, that doesn’t mean I or you have to.

I’m two months away from submitting my 60,000 word thesis and none of the words that are staying in my thesis were written whilst agitated. They were written after my first cup of coffee in my bath rob. They were written after a yoga video or after some hard-core singing in the shower. They were written after a good cry or a good meal or a good hug or a good chat.

I know of agitated doctoral colleagues that appear to be mad/upset with me when I’m doing well.

I can’t say I know why, but I can predict it’s because they want to be relaxed AND productive. Not just one or the other.

Well, we all can.

Molly, out!

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“If You Knew My Story”: Notes from an Anxious final-stage Doctoral Candidate

(written while listening to the Bright Star OCR)

I’m about two months away (9 weeks exactly) from submitting my thesis and I’ve noticed a few new developments:

  1. I’m now a BIG fan of wine (or port) or beer or a G & T at the end of the day
  2. My work-ethic has improved dramatically, because of my eminent deadline. Potentially, to the detriment of my overall sanity. I didn’t leave the house for 48 hours at one point this week.
  3. I’m not as interested in going on FB (there’s other reasons for that, but whatevs)
  4. I’ve dedicated more time to exciting creative projects than I have in YEARS

Basically, I now remember that “I don’t have time to…” is more a state of mind than a state of reality.

I want my life to be busy and complex and weird and exhausting. It’s a choice I’ve made :0) I’ve only been able to make this choice because I feel centered in my own skin and my own mind.

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All I want for Valentine’s Day are…BOUNDARIES!

Happy Valentine’s Day, World!

Mmmmm…the sweet, sweet taste of a new boundary. Fresh from the oven! Thank you ever so much, you lovely valentine.

A few observations/reflections:

  • OBSERVATION: Not everyone who loves me has my best interests at heart. Unfortunately, they may not know that.
  • REFLECTION: I don’t always think about the other person when I send them a FB message or text message. That’s not OK.
  • OBSERVATION & REFLECTION: Calling someone over and over again from another room or on the phone is not always because there is an emergency. That’s not OK.
  • OBSERVATION: Reprimanding someone because they’re younger than you or not a white man…and not reflecting on your own behavior? Not OK.
  • OBSERVATION: Letting the political climate dictate your actions. Especially towards someone on a lower rung of the latter, professionally. Not OK.

I have A LOT of reasons to be enjoying my Valentine’s Day but that doesn’t mean I am. Why? I’m in the process of establishing boundaries and I haven’t quite gotten the hang of it yet.

If you’re reading this going, “BOUNDARIES? What ARE those?” or “Boundaries? I don’t need those silly old things.” Then, read up or grow up.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

 

 

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Yay Therapy! An ode to seeking help and support.

I’m currently in weekly therapy sessions. They’re not cheap (£50 a session), but there are cheaper options (at least in the UK) and online options (but unless there is a REAL person on the other end of the line, I’m skeptical). One of my parents is helping me pay for it, but if she couldn’t pay anymore, I’d find a way to keep getting weekly therapy, at least until I submit my doctorate because I need the professional support right now (and I’m not afraid to admit it).

I need support and I’m proud of myself for being able to write a blog post about it. There are people in my life that would kick me for speaking up about my experience, for admitting I’m in therapy/need help right now, but…screw ’em!

I mention the money side of things first off, because that’s normally the biggest argument people I know make against starting therapy. In my opinion, unless you are  living paycheck to paycheck, “I don’t want to pay” is a poor excuse for not getting professional help when you’re not doing well emotionally, psychologically, mentally or whatever you want to call it. You come first in this world. You’re the only one that can look out for yourself and getting help when you need it, will help you do just that!!!

Furthermore, if you are looking for a therapist and have decided “now is the time, world!” from experience, I’d recommend finding someone properly trained and certified through the official national or state system (depending on where you live). Once in a blue moon, you’ll find an uncertified gem through the grapevine, but that’s rare, and you’re better off finding a trained therapist if you genuinely want to get better (they’ll be trained in an evidence-based branch of therapy, which is what you want…unless you believe in magic!).

The last thing I want to say on this topic is…don’t expect to be a 6-sessions-i’m-done kind of patient. I had that attitude starting out and when I had a big breakthrough, I’d quit or switch to bi-weekly sessions, thinking I had my life sorted. And then, I’d have a massive depressive episode and be back in therapy crying. I’ve been with the same lady for over a year and am doing better than i have in years.

So, YAY THERAPY!

All my love,

Molly

 

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Molly’s thoughts on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend – Episode 13 (Season 2)

Dudes, I just finished watching the season finale of CEG for the second time and randomly cried, AGAIN. This time at the bit when she’s in a hospital ward outside and the nurse describes her as the “girl who sings to herself and we don’t know why.”

Some context: As a very nerdy, musical theatre dork, it was always challenging for me to maintain self-confidence in my teens. I wore pink leggings and a turquoise swimming skirt to MY AP CLASSES (a friend even dressed up like me for halloween). I had -0 fashion sense (but  A+ for effort!).

On the day of silence in solidarity with the LGBTQ community, me and my friend would pass notes back and forth with quotes from show tunes. I once got called to my guidance counsellor’s office because a teacher found a note that read, “It takes a lot of men to make a gun” (from Assassins) . Basically, I was fucking ridiculous and very emotionally charged.

The girl in the patio of a mental ward is where I imagine myself ending up when I’m not doing well. And if I ever do end up there, fuck yes I’ll be singing ALL the show-tunes to myself.

Basically, I wanted to say to myself as much as to anyone else who reads my blog: there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being perceived as crazy or feeling crazy (as long as you don’t kill or hurt anyone…intentionally!)

Boooom!

Mic drop.